“You’re living at a time of extremism, a time of revolution, a time when there’s got to be a change. People in power have misused it, and now there has to be a change and a better world has to be built and the only way it’s going to be built is with extreme methods. And I for one will join in with anyone, I don’t care what color you are, as long as you want to change this miserable condition that exists on this earth. Thank you.” Bookmark and Share Bookmark and Share



7.08.2005

3 months.


As I gently sat her down in an LIC diner, I realized my silence gave her splints of apprehension. I eventually told her that I was not happy in our relationship and that I couldn’t go any longer being at that place. Essentially, that I could no longer stay with her. This was a woman whom I told three months ago that God told me that she was my wife. This same woman whom I proclaimed my love for, over and over and over again. I took her on mental vacations, where we visited our seemingly inevitable future together. Three months later we sit in a diner sharing nothing but NYC radio, a bad waiter and loss for words. She took my words well.

There was no struggle, no fight for this love we shared, just the resonating warmth of sadness that was shed between us. She was calm, mindful of her words; contrary to everything I thought she would be. I anticipated some dramatic emotional outburst and already forgave her for the onslaught that would come. Because I understood, I realized the pain and sorrow that the male persuasion as caused her amidst the years and didn’t want to become one of the masses. Nonetheless my words didn’t seem to phase, and instead of her heaving and sobbing, I was he who manifested through tears. Not drops of saline that is comparable to storm-like elements, but subtle expressions of the emotions at hand.

Speaking of that, I wanted to grab her’s and gently place it in mine. At that very moment I wanted to set my rough hand on her solid face and tell her that I’ll return, by that some miracle of love, I’d be better and come back for her, my three-month love. But I didn’t, and all that touched my hand was a pair of cold scrambled eggs and home fries that didn’t remind me much of childhood.

She took my words so well. Like a poised politician she processed my expressions and gave me well-thought, dignified responses. She allowed me to leave with a freedom that a woman has never given me. She gave me love as I left. Void from holding bitterness or malice toward me, her words of understanding gave me a peace as they rolled of her tongue.

“I don’t hate you, I don’t hold anything against. I won’t talk bad about you to my family, or paint an ugly picture of you. If anything, you’re an awesome man of God and I’ve learned a lot in these three months. I hope you learned from this as well. But if you ever come back to me, make sure that you know that I’m for you and that I’m what God has for you. Not unless you’re sure, I can’t take going through this again.”

My mind began to retort, “wait, where’s the aftermath, where’s the spate?” For the first time in my short, yet full life I’d just broken up with a woman who didn’t accuse, hate or attempt to emasculate me. Her strength and beauty through this testified of her pure, meaningful love for me. This leads me to remember that love isn’t about how a person makes you feel or what you receive from them, its true meaning lies in their selflessness. How much a person loves you can be measured by how much of themselves can be set aside for your sake. As I think of this truth my respect and admiration for this woman comes to the surface, leading me to look towards the future.

What will be the final culmination of our lives? Will we end up in each other’s hearts in minds, as partners, walking out the completion of our earthly lives together? I simply do not know. In this case the only being that can comprehend my beginning and my end simultaneously, is cognizant of these next seasons and decades of our lives.

With all expressed, I sit in my Queens one-story with peace that God not only has a plan for me as an individual but that that very same Lord is guiding her to a blessed hope and “an expected end.” GoDiva.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

What were u thinking?

Diva4jc82 said...

And we lived happily ever after! Ur wife loves her husband. honey